Nostalgia

From a curious little child, to a young girl- years have slipped away,swift and smooth like sand slips off the hand..
As dates change in the calendar, I grow older each day- to realize how time has flown, changing everything- not just in the world around, but within me.
I look at the old photo albums to see myself evolving- day after day, year after year!
The changes which gradually shaped me into who I am today- the years that gave me the experiences to grow into a mature adult, with my own understanding of the world, with my own opinion of things, and with a certain mindset.
Yet, sometimes when I see a group of young kids playing in the evenings, or enjoying in the school buses as the day gets over, nostalgia sweeps in.
A deja- vu happens!I end up remembering my golden days .
I look back at the old me, and then I see the present me -From a chubby infant, to a working professional- a long journey through school and college, through the innocent childhood and youthful teenage.
I look at myself, clad in the professional attire- heading to office with a natural code of conduct , and a big To-do list in mind, fighting with the world to make my point.
And , then I look at the kids- arguing whose turn it was to bat.
I stare at the little doll with curly hair, sipping Frooti, eyeing the packet of Uncle chips and getting happy with small pleasures like winning a game of Ludo.
That girl reminds me of someone-The child in me !
I think of myself in all the childhood photos, living a life quite similar to her.A pool of memories temporarily sweeps in my mind- taking me to an altogether different world!
Memories flash back every now and then- whenever I see a replica of myself in someone else.
A memory, that reminds me how I used to be- a carefree chatterbox, pleased with small joys, worried about trivial concerns, fighting for small matters, getting possesive of my beloved things, feeling jealous for things out of my reach..
That was me- a person who was not just living, but was alive!
Alive to be able to feel a multitude of emotions- alive to know what it felt to be appreciated ,to be protective, to be pampered, to be loved, to be sincere, to be hardworking, to be intelligent, to be smart, to be ambitious, to be hopeful and to be angry or frustrated.
Those were the days, when life was simpler, because small things held big values.
Those were the days, when being praised by teachers for good handwriting was considered appreciation.
When taking side of your siblings in a quarrel with the neighbors was being protective.
When being given a extra chocolate without a reason was pampering.
When getting to sleep on mothers lap decided which kid was more loved by her and the other was teased for being an "adopted child."
When completing the homework by myself was an effort towards sincerity.
When reading all the chapters and solving the questions of NCERT and reference books was the only idea of hardwork.
When securing first rank in exam was a proof of intelligence.
When having many friends, and knowing about the latest stationary set, and toys marked smartness.
When ambition was to be a teacher, or a doctor, or maybe even a millionaire!
When we confidently wrote "Friends forever!" , or Cut creamy chocolate cut, etc msgs on the handmade greeting cards given to friends on birthdays or friendship day.
Those were the days...
The days, when every small thing related to us had to happen exactly in our ways, or we had the liberty to cry over it.
When everything was so simple, yet seemed complicated!
When parents meant the enemies, who made us do homework and study.
When friends meant the people to share lunch with, and to play games.
When future meant the very next day.
When mothers were the genius, who provided solution to every problem- ranging from lost pencil, to a forgotten craft assignment.
Those days, opinions were simplified by our own definitions, and promises were easily made and believed.
I recall saying -"Mein tjhse kabhi baat nahi karungi" to my best friend,because she had not given me an extra sweet on her birthday.She cried at my promise, obviously we made up soon.And shook hands to promise "Friends forver " .
I recall saying-"Wo didi bohot badi hai, unki shaadi honey vaali hai", before shying away to talk to an elder relative who visited us.
I recall saying,"Badi hokar mein teacher banugi", when my favorite teacher asked me about my ambition.Afterall teachers were the knowledgeable people who knew everything under the sky. They were powerful and respectable!
I recall imagining daddy's office to be a bad , serious place,with all elderly people- staring at the huge bundles of files- doing some high level work- that made them tired for no reason.I thought it was good to be working in offices , as there was no uniform and no need to wake up at early morning. No homework and no exams were an added advantage.
Towards my teenage, I recall cribbing, "Itni si pocket money. Jab mein badi houngi, Khoob paise spend karungi".When I had to save money to buy an expensive Temptation chocolate for my best friend.
I recall the plannings done for a birthday party, and the weeks of good conduct before cajoling parents to get permission for movie outings.
As i recall these things, and many other such memories- I go into a state of trance!
I smile at those days of innocence.I smile at the irony of life!
I never realised when I grew up....and those days became just a part of my memory.
I never realised when that "best friend" became just an acquaintance.Many friends changed since then, and today i understand that friendship is a complicated relationship.Something i am still not able to define.But, I know for sure, that celebrating friendship day, or giving birthday presents isnt real friendship.Nor being connected 24*7 is a necessity for staying friends. Friendship is probably the feeling of having someone when you really need them!
I did not realize when i reached that age of being a "marriageable girl" myself. I do not know if being marriageable actually means growing up, or it is the sense of being responsible that defines maturity. I have seen elders who are more stubborn and childish than kids!
I did not realise when I came to think of teachers as Losers.( no offence, but college introduced me to the not so good side of teachers ) I have realised that all professions are good, but one needs to be passionate about his job. Satisfaction is my new ambition in life!
I now know what offices are for real! I would rather stay mum about my thoughts regarding offices now- because i am sure that years later, my opinion will change again. i am yet to explore them properly!
I now realise how those 60Rs that i needed to buy choclate was actualy earned and saved.I realise the dream of being a millionare was just a dream, and that each rupee costs 100 paise. Spending is easier than earning!
I now realise why it was difficult to get permissions for certain things and why certain other things were easily allowed.I was never allowed for late night outings, but there was hardly any class picnic that i missed. I realise the thin boundary between entertainment and extravagance. I realise that when my parents talked about safety- they did not just mean safety from phsyical injuries caused by falling or briuses during cat fights. They meant safety from the darker side of the world- the world which i had never seen under their guarded supervision. The world, which is not so pleasant.
Now, when i look back at those days of innocence- I am often blank.
I do not know whether to feel happy and smile that those lovely days were a part of my life!
Or whether I should feel sad, that those days can never be re- lived!
Amongst all these thoughts, a fleeting thought strikes me often- that my present life too shall be a memory some years later.
A memory that will bring back the same sense of nostalgia that childhood memories does!
When i was a child, i wanted to grow up.
Today, i want to be that child again!
Probably years later, i would want to live my present life....
Which simply means that it is natural to look back. Once in a while, we all cherish getting back to our roots.
To see what all has changed, to introspect and see our own evolution!
The knowledge of our past, the acceptance of our present and the excitement for our future is my idea of a happy life.
We can not turn blind to any of these , because that would mean shying away from one inevitable aspect of our life.
Time changes!
As time changes, we change too!
This is all about dynamicity!
We can not be sad about the changes.Because , despite the changes some part of me has managed to be stable- the part where I look forward, where I aspire, where I dream, where I find reasons to smile.
I hope to keep finding such joyous reasons to smile, the memories that make me think about the good times, and be glad that i was there to experience it all, to be shaped into what i am , to be able to decide what i want to be!